Sunday, June 21, 2015

Episode 1: The Hamleton Massacre

Our journey begins with the peaceful hamlet of... er... Hamleton.. Yeah.. that's right, that's what we'll call it... "Hamleton". So anyway, fate has conspired to bring a curious group of individuals together on a sleepy Summer's day to this dreadfully boring and seemingly uneventful Village where there couldn't possibly be anything more scarier than a grumpy cow or two and the only thing people do for fun is watch the green grass grow and the West Winds blow (unless you count "going to the Woods to look for animal companions and almost getting knocked out by Satyrs" as fun... dammit Janine >_>).

We have with us the brave Ser Jörgen Lanstalk, faithful knight under Duke Estal of Resilos who is as courageous as a Lion, as loyal as a Rock and as cheap as a Duck- er.. never mind that (/ooc cheap as Duck?), where was I ? Ah yes, the nimble-footed young ranger, Janine a.k.a Anna of the Whisper-water-falling-down Woods with her uncanny fascination for befriending beasts and stealing shiny stuff. Among the townsfolk we see the brave fighter of certain disrepute.. yes that's right... I meant "dis"repute. You heard me... Mirran "Giant-bane" (/ooc pronounced side-DM) sharpening his Great Sword and in the taverns we see myself, Elan the Bard of Evensong, singer, performer, actor-extraordinaire and your faithful chronicler of this eventful journey.
Now that we have all of that out of the way, what was so special about this Village, this Town of near "-6 Intelligence-penalty" causing excitement, you ask, dear Reader ? With not a marketplace or blacksmith in sight and no traders anywhere to be found, with suspiciously watered-down Ale (I'm looking at you Madame Helga) and Poulet de Provencal that smelled suspiciously like Troll feces (how do I know what Troll feces smells like... don't ask) ? Why were our courageous Companions guided by the hands of fate to meet in this particular place, at this particular time ? Well it's really simple you see. In this particular Village, there lived an old man named Elrath (his buddies call him Elarth the "Devourer", Reaper of Souls, Creator of Succubi, Unnecessarily-mean-to-Cats) who by some chance or mischance happened to catch the eyes of this particular band of misfits and miscreants and the rest as they say in Bardic Lore Collage... is Comedy.
They say a picture speaks a thousand words. With that in mind, here is a little sketch that sums up our next few hours in the quaint little county of Hamleton (picture courtesy):

(/ooc: This is what you get for trying to derail the main story-line by the way... Sorry DM ^^") So I burnt the Hut.... Obviously... What's a Bard to do ? Turns out, that didn't work out too well for us. It was on this day that I learnt Vampires could turn into bats. And wolves. And could one-shot-kill most experience-challenged adventurers (/ooc: The politically correct term for level 1 n00bs like us). Our losses were... severe... to say the least. In fact, Ol' Jörgen and I ran... er-... I mean... made an "Expeditious Retreat" to regroup and recover. And that is how my journey in the Land of Hareshki began: A pissed of Vampire Lord, a newly abandoned Township and two dead Companions right off the bat. And it wasn't even half past 10 yet. In memory of my fallen Comrades, I compose the following ballad so they may ever be immortalized in the magic of song (/ooc Now new and improved to rhyme better)...

Oh hear the sad tale of the Rogue and the Fighter,
Who knew not any fear, a troll would be brighter...
They broke into an Old Man's Hut,
With that Chaotic action, they sealed their fate Shut...
Turns out, you guessed it, no Old Man was he,
Time and again our heroes were warned to flee...

From the depths emerged Elrath the Devourer,
All our poor adventurers could do was cower...
And in the end there was one who saw,
And lived to tell the tale to all...
Heed this warning all you brave Knights and Champions,
Least you end up like Elan's dead Companions...

And with that Dear Reader, we come to the end of this chapter. Until next time, Fare Thee Well and remember, never trust an Old Man who can eat a 5 lb. fish in one sitting...


  1. This is why you should always listen to your DM and not ruin plot hooks. Interesting read. Need moar :3

  2. Lmao... Cheap as Duck *quack quack*

  3. Why is the Vampire "Unnecessarily-mean-to-Cats" ? :/

    1. Anonymous6/22/2015

      Well.. Bats are essentially Rats with Wings.... (

  4. Anonymous6/23/2015

    Where is the poem from ?